Got lost once in Boys ‘R Pus toy store. Wandered about until I found myself in the board games section and it occurred to me how much the game names resembled my medical practice.
CLUE as in you haven’t got one therefore I am going to smack you with this candlestick holder until you quit inserting the birth control pill and take it by mouth. (A patient actually did this).
RISK (aka “We Used to be Friends”) was a favourite of my sons and I back in the days when we were speaking. Your 10 year risk of a heart attack or stroke can now be calculated by your doctor along with your risk of being stranded in Kamchatka.
MONOPOLY. Usually this begins with “Doctor I know you’re extremely busy and I promise I won’t be long but…” upon which the list is pulled out while the wailing room continues to pile up overflowing into the neighbourhood pub where specialists practice. It is a well-known fact that 20% of the population are responsible for 80% of the workload.
CRANIUM. As in those are obviously in need of one. “Give your cranium a shake Bloggins. What were you thinking when you saw the skull and crossbones on that cigarette package and decided it must be something you ingest deeply into your lungs.”
HUNGRY HIPPOS leads to hurtin’ hips, hefty hams and heart Hades.
BACKGAMMON. “OK Bloggins, time for that prostate check.” Men should get a prostate check every year after the age of 50.
TRIVIAL PURSUIT. Doc I was reading on the internet about the symptoms of the rare Eastern Moldavian portobello ovarian cysts and I think I might have them.” “Well, frankly Burt I’d be more concerned about your prostate. Lets play Backgammon.”
PICTIONARY. “Let me draw it for you Bloggins. The pizza goes into this here gastric area and then little boats like these transport cholesterol and other fats directly to your buttocks which now looks like this, ohh… I need a blackboard.”
DARTS. Not really a board game but seeing it reminded me of older brother suggesting we play a game of darts, if I played goalie.
HEADBANDS. “My headache is like a band squeezing around my head,” means you have a muscle contraction headache from stress, neck strain or playing goalie at the family dart tournament.
BATTLESHIPS. “No doctor, I’m not taking that medicine and that’s that.” “But Bloggins your blood pressure is 190 and you’ll stroke if you…” “My mother never took any medication and she was dancing the can-can at 93 and..whoa… I can’t…move my arm.” “Whoops, I think you sunk your ship.”
OPERATION whereby improperly extracting an organ makes the board buzz and the game goes dead. In my version improperly extracting an organ makes the lawyers buzz and the game goes dead.
TWISTER. “It started out as an innocent game doc but now I have these, well… lesions.” Scrumpox (seen in rugby players) is one of several transmissible skin on skin diseases contracted when men rub their upper cheeks against the lower cheeks of other men.
DOMINOES. Pizza paunch leads to metabolic syndrome. Once one thing hits the tipping point the cascade begins and the rest fall soon after. Starts with abdominal fat, then sugars, then blood pressure, then cholesterol… then you.
BALLOON LAGOON. Plastic Surgery reminds you to take care of your sweaters.
SNAKES AND BLADDERS. Urology reminds you to take care of your wetters.
CHECKERS: This in fact is what we as doctors do all freakin’ day. “Doc I think my hornswaggles are affecting my crockinoles. Could you check ‘er out?”
CHINESE CHECKERS: Hen gao xing ren shi ni hornswaggles.
SORRY. This chapter is done.